Recently, I found myself in the East Village racing down 2nd Avenue on my way to see an all-female benefit production of “King Lear” (I mean, naturally) that a friend was producing. By the way, I’m not making this up. Despite my tardiness, I couldn’t help but stop and gawk at a new business that was soon to open on the ground level of a new, probably over priced, glass apartment building. The business in question was a soon to be “Preschool for the Arts”
Again, not making this up.
Here is a classic case of what can happen to our society without anyone consulting me first. Please, don’t get me wrong. As a proud patron of the arts (see above), I applaud any effort to enhance the already too fragile art education of our youths in such times. Despite all this, I must protest such an institution in my city. In a world where child stars go one to achieve such greatness in our country finest, most exclusive, rehab facilities, I find it socially irresponsible to encourage the barely potty trained to express themselves any further. In fact, I urge against anyone so young to express themselves until they are at least 13 years old, and have a better grasp on technique. Similarly, I am abhorred by the thought of a parent deciding their child was born to surpass the careers of Mark Rothko, Joni Mitchell, or Kathryn Hepburn and therefore need to send them to a school where they will undoubtedly spend their afternoons in endless Meisner repetition exercises or criticizing their colleague's prose.
Never the less, in an odd turn of events I happened across the files of the incoming class (The First Years, as they will be known) and would like to share some of them here.
Pupil: Francine Kirkland
Age: 3 1/2
Concentration: Vocal Performance
Ms. Kirkland was found when the audition tour found themselves in Morristown, NJ. She auditioned wearing an adorable pink satin dress and while patent leather shoes, using the contrasting pieces of “Old MacDonald” and the non-secular “Jesus Loves the Little Children”. While the adjudicators felt the later lacked depth on a dramatic side, her enthusiasm for each of the farm animal sounds in her rousing rendition of “Old MacDonald” was a real joy. One adjudicator commented “Her ability to believably neigh like a horse promises great potential in terms of breath support and flexibility”. All found her diction lacking, but, as one adjudicator so eloquently wrote, the “byproduct of the adolescent orifice.”
Pupil: Francisco Munoz
Age: 3 years
Concentration: Visual Art
It was clear from Francisco’s portfolio he has a gift for visual art that has both variety and technical skill. “House with Sun and Flower in crayon and ball point pen” depicted a seemingly happy, though weatherd, Cape-Cod style house in a green field with a single flower basking in a disproportionate sun. The color choice of blue and brown for the house lead the admissions committee to the conclusion that his color choices “reflect an original voice.” “Untitled #4 in water-based paint and glitter,” an abstract piece, showed wild abandon in his finger painting technique. According to his application, Francisco also dabbles in clay and is bisexual.
Pupil: Mikatsu Agaki
Age: 4
Concentration: Piano Performance
Mr. Agaki was granted a full ride scholarship when the school saw a YouTube video of him playing a piece by Franz Liszt in the atrium of a department store on Long Island.
Pupil: LaKhoma
Age: 4
Concentration: Modern Dance
LaKhoma (who is male) was born Roger Grant. He changed it hoping to be taken more seriously. He explained on his application, “Roger sounds like the name of a tap instructor, not a world class contemporary dancer.” He showed very little technique during ballet class, and had trouble with his fourth position. None the less, the solo piece he had prepared (which was accompanied by live drumming from his mother) was heavily influenced by traditional Balinese dance, but also drew from the Aborigine and Indian cultures. The seamless interweaving of cultures, and clever mask work, firmly secured his spot in the school. The only dissenting vote was Roger Costellini, the tap teacher.
Pupil: Constance Olstad
Age: 4 ½
Concentration: Theatre Performance
Constance’s audition for the Drama division was an epic disaster. First, her mother forgot to bring her lucky audition head band (she is very superstitious). It was downhill from there. Constance started off with a selection from Madea, but completely went up halfway through her speech and was unable to finish. Her second piece was a contemporary work from the 2008 Humana Plays Festival that had a fair amount of audience interaction involved (Constance hates the word “safe”) and the panel was just not having it. The Drama division at the school is highly regarded in the industry and the faculty is extremely tough. She next attempted belting the Sondheim classic, “There Won’t Be Trumpets.” Not being very musically inclined, she neglected to see if the music was in a good key. Being a pack a day smoker since birth, Constance’s voice had an extremely rough, husky sound, similar to that of a Kathleen Turner or Harvey Fierstein, and she nearly busted a blood vessel reaching the high notes. At this point she merely broke into tears, stormed out of the room (forgetting the sheet music on the piano) and left calling her mother words that cannot even be written here over that “f-ing headband.” If it wasn’t for the fact that the division head had directed her in her previous Preschool’s production of The Milk Train Doesn’t Stop Here Anymore, poor Constance probably would have had to go back to spending her days sneaking cigarettes between coloring and snack time.
Again, that is just a sampling of the incoming class which boasts a roster of 122 students, split between the different concentrations of Dance, Theatre (performance and design), Music (vocal and instrumental), Creative Writing, and Fine Arts Management.
As I think of it, perhaps these magnet schools for younguns aren’t such a bad idea. I’m going ahead and starting a series of Preschool Trade Schools. So far, here are my ideas:
Fashion Institute for Children (FIC) Babies will, finally, have more fashionable outfits to wear that give them a more defined waist.
Montessori Polytechnic Institute. No apple juice near the keyboard, please.
Kidstown A&M. Those worms are not for eating....
The Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Beauty Preschool. Barbie dolls around the world take a collective sigh of relief.
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